Pondering His Holy Word

I could say that my testimony began when I was 17 years old, but that would be incomplete. I always pondered God and his place in the universe (not knowing that he existed outside the universe). I guess my conscious life began at 7 years old because I, then, began to understand that my life was temporary. I say 7 because I remember pondering whether or not God was a robot. I remember my brother telling me and my cousins that “we should be scared of God”. Even at that time, my pondering was just that, pondering. My pondering became an open rebellion against God 3 years later at 10 years old. 

​By then I knew Jesus was the son of God and that he died for our sins. I knew because I went to Sunday school with a lot of the neighborhood kids. On the school bus we sang songs like “Jesus loves me this I know, cause the bible tells me so…” or “Oh no, you can’t get to Heaven without Salvation S-A-L-V-A-T-I-O-N” Or “When I get to Heaven, I’m gonna talk to Jesus…” The missionaries reminded me of the characters Danny and Joey on Full House. In classes, they teach us bible stories for about an hour. So, I knew about Moses and Joseph, but how it connected to Jesus, I didn’t know still. Yet, they were just stories to me. 

It was during this time that my open rebellion began. I remember it was all because I feed fish bread crumbs. (chunks actually). I don’t even know why I did it, but I did it. The fish food was right next to the tank. Yet I did it. The fish ended up being fine, but my mom wanted to know who did it and why.  I lied. It wasn’t the first or second time I lied to my mom about something. Yet, she didn’t let it go. She wanted the truth (and probably what was the thinking behind it). My brother denied it because they were innocent. I denied it knowing that I was lying. 

Finally, she pulled out our bible. I don’t remember which bible it was. I think it was the bible that was missing the front cover, but I don’t recall. She made us swear on the bible. My brothers did it.  Then, it was my turn. I put my hand on the bible. I perjured myself before God. She pushed a little harder and I finally told the truth. She didn’t punish me. She was more disappointed that I swore to tell the truth on the bible and I lied. She went over the implications of lying to God. If I lie, I’d steal, If I steal, I’d kill too. 
The “I’d kill too” part scared me. Even now, I think of James 2:10, “For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it. I broke the 3rd, 5th, and 9th commandments (by implication). I didn’t know that at the time of course, but still, there I was convicted before the Most High because I didn’t want to admit that I put bread in the fish tank so that I will see how much they would eat.  

This account may be humorous, yet looking back it still bothers me how quick I was to lie on a bible. It was symptomatic of a bigger problem. I didn’t take God seriously. All the bible school stories and songs were only a game to me. It was just a story. Religion was a commandment. Relationship with God was more optional. I think that is what I lacked at the time. Whenever I ask questions about Christianity, they tell me to have more faith. At the time, I had no idea what “faith” meant. All I had was my King James Version Bible, and at the time, I couldn’t understand most of it because I read at such a low reading level.

So it was a surprise to me when I accepted Christ. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior at 16 years old when someone had me pray the sinner’s prayer. I wasn’t sure that I believed the words. The missionary seemed so excited that I accepted Christ. I didn’t see the big deal. I didn’t feel any different.

After I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel. On the one hand, I was glad that all of my sins were forgiven, but I didn’t feel like I had direction from God. In most of the churches that I visited, the pastors preached fire and brimstone, yet I didn’t get any direction.  

In full disclosure, I was abused for years, as a child, by someone I trusted.  I don’t want to go into details because I put it all in God’s hand, and I forgave everyone involved. However, I can’t ignore how these experiences played a role in my lack of developing a relationship with God. As a result, I was really messed up well into my adulthood. So, I had a warped sense of love. Also, I felt alone most of the time. It is where I felt the safest. Also, I had a low concept of myself. I didn’t trust adults in my life. As a result, I didn’t trust God. I knew he was there, but I didn’t trust him enough to say that I needed him because I’m sure he would want something in return.

Shortly after I accepted Christ, I went back into open rebellion. I openly denied his existence. By 17 years old, I was doubtful of ever being redeemed. The Bible didn’t speak to me or at least my ear was not open. 

At a certain point, I became outright hostile towards God. I knew he existed, but it was easier claiming that he didn’t exist than completely submitting to him. 
I’d even tell people that I was an atheist, but inwardly I knew I was lying. In college, one of my classmates said, “So you don’t believe in anything higher than yourself.” I said yes. I knew that I was lying. As a teen, I’d make stupid jokes like, “If we are all God’s children, how can Jesus be God’s only begotten son. Is God playing favorites?” My brother and cousins would laugh. I wasn’t sure why I said that. I knew that Jesus was God. I knew that Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit because I learned that in Sunday school. I just felt a bit stronger to be antagonistic.  Then, I’d make jokes about “going to Hell.” My classmates would laugh at the jokes (or at me). One of my classmates said he was going to take me to church. “We’re going to save you.” 

At the very height of my antagonism towards God, I remember telling my brother that “there is no God. Look at all the suffering in the world. Why would a loving god allow messed up evil like that?” He didn’t say anything but only listened. 

Later, he told me “I was thinking about what you said. You were right.” I felt ashamed. I felt that I did something horribly wrong. I wasn’t sure what.

One day, on my way to work, a missionary stopped me to talk about Jesus Christ. I told him that I didn’t believe him anymore. He asked me why, but I couldn’t give him an answer. He asked, “because of the hypocrisy in the church?” I said yes. That was my only response at the time. It was the first time that I heard a Christian speak candidly about other Christians. He told me, “That is for God to deal with.” I didn’t have a response, I had a dumb look on my face. He continued, “You know who received the worst punishment at the judgment? It is the people who know God’s word and turn away from it.” I walked away from that conversation feeling ashamed. 

I couldn’t deny God openly anymore especially since I believed inwardly. For better or worse, I was a Christian, not agnostic or atheist. It was dishonest for me to say that God didn’t exist when I knew that he did exist. I just wish that God would have spoken to me. Later that year, God did speak to me.  I had just met my wife. I saw that she was a very godly woman who intimated me a little because I was shaky (at best) with my faith. Yet, I remember the Holy Spirit indicating to me that she would be my wife.  

The first time I really began seriously reading the bible was in my mid-twenties. I bought a newish NKJV from Savers. It was two years into our marriage, I remember reading Genesis 2:24. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that the Holy Scriptures were the very words of God. I ran into the living room and told my wife, “These are God’s words for us.” She smiled and affirmed what I said silently, but probably thinking I was crazy. It was so obvious. His words were right in front of me all my life and yet, I didn’t have the ears to hear.  Then, I began listening to scriptures on audio, and sometimes, I fell asleep listening. I couldn’t get enough. 

In my 30’s, my wife got sick and was hospitalized, and she relied on prayer to get her through. At the time, I barely knew how to pray, so I felt alone. Again, I felt I had no direction for my spiritual life and became sloppy with my bible reading. 

Then, I became a high school teacher. It was my first year teaching high school. My students needed a lot of support, and I felt that I was failing them. After a particularly tough class, I turned my light off (it was my planning period), put my head in my hand, and cried out. “Oh God, please help me, please help me. I can’t do this by myself.” Yet, I got through that day. It was around that time that I began rereading the Gospel of Matthew. 

It took me two months to get through the New Testament. After I got through the New Testament, I felt so thankful that God would win in the end. I felt hope for the first time. I begin reading the Old Testament. By the time I reached Malachi, I had realized how much we had needed a savior. How much we needed a Lord over our life. I realized that I needed to submit to God.

During this same time, I begin taking Bible courses. I found myself praying a lot more. I spoke to God a lot more in my journal. My wife even noticed; She told me that I was on fire for God. That summer, I trashed all of my secular music and replaced it with Christian and Gospel music at that point in my life. I paid attention to what I allowed in my spirit. I don’t remember exactly when I noticed that I wasn’t worried about going to Hell. I just wanted to please God and devote my life to Him.

It was around this time that I begin taking bible and ministry classes which became part of my bible study. At first, I kept it to myself because I wasn’t sure how people would react to me, the self-proclaimed atheist.  However, it was impossible to hide my journey at this point.  When I told my wife that I was going into ministry, she wasn’t surprised. Then, I told my mom and mother-in-law around the same time. They both were ecstatic, but not surprised.
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Now, I find myself happily going in the Lord’s direction and trying to do His will to the best of his ability. I want to serve God. At this point, I am seeking to serve God’s will by helping those who are new to the faith become disciples of Christ so that they can become teachers of the word themselves.